Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
