help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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