Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
