You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
