Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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