I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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