I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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