I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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