I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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