You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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