I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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