I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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