I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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