Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
