in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
