Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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