I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
