I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
