You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize