What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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