It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
