i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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