I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
