i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
