Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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