I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
