walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
