Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
