Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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