I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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