Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
