Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
