if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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