Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
