you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
