How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
