dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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