True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize