I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Naked Twister starts at high noon
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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