I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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