wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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