I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
