I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
