guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
