I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
