I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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