Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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