I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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