i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
where am i from again
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize