My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
