I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
