Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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