What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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