I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
