I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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