stop calling my apartment porn island.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize