hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
