woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
