Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
