my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
