Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
