Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
