dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
we should paint friendship bongs
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