Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
