I think I won the penis lottery.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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